One of my nephews recently mentioned that he’d quit his job because his manager was ‘corrupt.’
He described the options that he’d considered while deciding what to do. Should he confront the manager? Report him to human resources? Do nothing? Quit? After all, he liked his job. He knew quitting might lead to financial hardship; he’d bought a condo in nice downtown neighborhood. He decided to leave because he didn’t want to be around someone whose values didn’t align with his. Simply put—it didn’t feel right.
My nephew’s story reminded me of when I was his age. I started my corporate career full of ambition and excitement, working as an engineer at an auto company with endless resources. But reality quickly set in—there were decisions to be made, expectations to meet, and constant pressure to do more. I often felt overwhelmed, unsure of how to balance it all.
I agonized over decisions large and small, spending hours considering strategies and outcomes—to the point that I’d miss appointments. After I arrived late for one design review, the other engineers treated me like a bad smell. The head of my design group suggested I get a Franklin Day Planner. Which I promptly did.
The first step to using the Franklin Planner system was to determine your values, in a three-step process of identifying, defining, and prioritizing1. I started with personality assessments to identify my inherent values, and then I added other values that I wanted to cultivate. From there, I consulted books and other resources to define each value. And then I had to cut the list of twenty-one down to between five and ten and prioritize them. I ultimately kept the top seven2.
This may sound like it was a trivial exercise, but it wasn’t. The definition stage presented the biggest challenge. Each value on my list had a variety of definitions. Authors disputed the meaning of them. I took everything I’d gleaned and synthesized definitions of my own.
The prioritization stage also stymied me. I kept moving values up and down the list, thinking that their priority depended on the situation. Later, I realized that this was merely decision avoidance. There will be times when values conflict, and a forced prioritization anticipates those scenarios. Each of us must decide what matters most to us.
Defining and prioritizing my values made it much easier for me to set goals, create plans, make decisions, and act. My life became less stressful. I used the list to guide decisions for everything, from how to plan training and handle doping in cycling to how to change careers from engineer to management consultant to writer. The values list served as the page marker in my day planner for years, a visual device to remind me to consider my values before making any decision.
Our values can change as we gain wisdom. My nephew’s anecdote, and some emotional upheaval over last fall and winter, got me to revisit my values.
I took a less academic approach this time. I consulted friends and family, considered the virtues that led to successes and failures in my life and the lives of others, and retook some personality assessments. In some ways, the process was more difficult this time around. As a young man I looked for absolutes and simple, direct definitions. When I created the new list3, I looked inward rather than outward, and faced some uncomfortable realizations.
The most painful realization was that my original list of values did not have love on it. I went back to my journal from the time, and what I found was worse than I imagined. I’d cut it from the big list on the first round as ‘sentimental’ and ‘a nice to have, but not necessary.’
I had independence third on the original list, and independence without love adds up to isolation. While I did have relationships, they always took a back seat to my ambition. The result was that I hurt a good number of people over the years.
On the new list, I replaced independence with autonomy. Dependencies and constraints can be liberating, if one retains the ability to make choices within those limits.
The other big realization was that the old definitions lacked depth and boundaries. I spent hours reworking them to capture the qualities and meanings I want to put into practice. The differences between the old list and the new are stark.
All of this has reminded me that values are not static—they are dynamic and deeply personal. Just as my nephew faced the difficult choice of leaving a job because of a misalignment in values, I’ve also been navigating a journey of introspection and growth, revising my own values to better align with a more profound understanding of myself and what really matters to me now.
There are numerous ways to determine, define and prioritize values. I am deliberately vague in my recounting of the method I used to refrain from endorsing any approach.
My original values list:
· Integrity – Adherence to values
o The ability to discern good from evil (know my values)
o To act in accordance with good even if it damages self-interest (act according to my values)
o To say openly why I acted as I did (explain my values and how they drive decisions & actions)
· Virtue – A capacity to act
· Independence – Not subject to control by others
· Considerate – Thoughtful of others and the environment
· Fitness – Mentally and physically sound
· Creative – A capacity to generate new ideas and things
· Truth – Seek & understand reality
My new values list:
· Integrity – Adherence to values
o The ability to discern good from evil (know my values)
o To act in accordance with good even if it damages self-interest (act according to my values)
o To say openly why I acted as I did (explain my values and how they drive decisions & actions)
· Love – Accept others as they are with an open heart. Be kind, generous, and express gratitude. Develop trust. Appreciate and celebrate others’ success. Console and assist in difficult times.
· Virtue – Act with wisdom, discipline, justice, love, and courage, knowing I can’t control the outcome. Contribute how and when I can to best of my abilities.
· Autonomy – Maintain the ability to choose how to live, where to live, and with whom to maintain relationships, cognizant of the ties, dependencies, and constraints necessary to live a fulfilling life.
· Fitness – Improve mental and physical health through personal challenges
· Creative – Observe the world and cultivate new ideas and things.
· Truth – Seek and understand reality through continuous learning. Find the joy in mystery and uncertainty.
· Nature – Understand and accept myself and others, including quirks, foibles, talents, and limitations. Know my role in the environment and that everything is connected. Revel in beauty, magic, and forces greater than me. Hold things gently.
Interesting essay. Brought to mind the time I quit a job for values and floundered for 2 years trying to find my next gig. Lesson I learned: one of my values is eating - So never quit a good paying job without having the next gig lined up!!